If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
