Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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