At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
