there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
