I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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