im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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