dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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