I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
