If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
