One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
