My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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