I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
