Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize