If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
