I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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