Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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