My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
