His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
