at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
