Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
