I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.