you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
a search helicopter?!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Rumble strips road head = magical
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked