I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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