3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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