Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
