atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
