I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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