I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
