there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
