One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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