i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
