I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
