True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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