My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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