I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
