remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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