i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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