I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
