im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need a beard to bite.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
