I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
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everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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