Moan for me like Helen Keller
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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