every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
