Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
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