So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
