I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
