your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
