omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
