Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize