I just threw up on my dentist
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
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She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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