i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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