maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Less talking, more tequila
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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