Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
