Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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