Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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