I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
