I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
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We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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