Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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