So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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