I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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